Lady Bard's Musings

Deep green eyes glittered in the fading sunset, and under the hood of a cloak hid an unknown face. A gentle breeze blew silken, snowy white hair in their shadowed features. Then, a dark brown-grey hand pushed back the hood and calmly replaced the hairs from where they’d come loose. He, you could see now the definite masculine features that had been hidden, now moved the same dark-skinned hand to a canteen on the right side of his belt. Water refreshed his face from the hot sun as he drank. If one were to look closely at this man you would notice that he is not human. His features, though uncharacteristically handsome, were shark and irregular, and his ears were sharply pointed as well. His eyes were more almond-shaped than round, and the frame of his lean, tall body spoke of a hidden strength. Although these characteristics may not have looked pleasant on a human, it added personality and charm to the elf’s face. A dark elf, to be more exact, is an elf whose ancestors were banished underground for some forgotten reason by their cousins. This particular dark elf, though, only knew of the humans who had raised and protected him. He is careful not to let people know he is a dark elf though because of their unfounded hostility. After all, he could not help what he was born, though for his parents sake he order wishes he could.

He was far from any towns now, near a small glade in the forest. His lips curved in a gently smile, and after replacing his canteen and hood, he quickly hurried down the path.

I looked up from the papers on the desk. I sighed again. Why was everything so hard? There are times when I feel lost. I’ve heard sometimes that you have to get lost to find yourself. What if you know some things that you want, but you don’t know how to get there? There are just so many questions to be answered, and I don’t have the answers. I closed my eyes and let the music just take me away. Maybe I would forget all my problems if I just let my thoughts to take me away.

I shook my head. No, that was the cheap way out. It was much easier to forget about things than to deal with them. So much easier than realizing that perhaps I didn’t know what to do. All I want to do is talk with people and help them like they’ve helped me. Yet, I’m so afraid of pushing them too far. I don’t want them to feel like I’m making them be a certain way, but I want them to realize what they want. I need other people. I always have. People don’t always understand that. I love to be alone and lose myself for a little while, but I don’t need to stay lost… I need someone to bring me back to reality. I need someone to show me that there’s more to life than just thinking all the time.

Life isn’t easy. I’ve never really expected it to be easy. I just don’t want to be alone again. With those people that I trust, I want to be fully open. I don’t want to have to hold anything back. I don’t want to have to be afraid anymore. It hurts to be afraid to say anything because of what others might think. I have to be me. The charade is over. I cannot let it drag me down. People can’t be hurt by what I think. It’s what I think and it shouldn’t affect them. I can’t decide their life. I would like them to understand me, but if they cannot then I will not push it.

I slowly opened my eyes. I’ve been thinking too much again. I stood carefully and walked to the window. The sky was grey, and I could almost feel the cool wind. The ground was still damp. It charmed me in some dark way. I wondered if the rain was a higher being’s tear… their way of cleansing themselves. What did it matter? Why did I wonder about things that did not matter?

Yet, if I believe that what I think doesn’t matter, does that mean that I do not matter? No, I just have do wish to think of it. It does not truly affect me. I want so much just to let myself go. I feel so deep inside this wild side. A side that only a few have seen. It is so wild that it almost seems dark and feral, but I feel it inside and sometimes I just want to run. I want to lose myself in the wilderness like some wild animal. The trappings that I was born with keep me here. I have not the health, nor the ability to run wild. I have been tamed by society, though my mind is still free. The blessing that most have I do not have. Their mind is also caught in the trap, so they do not think about true freedom. Would I survive such freedom. I am so small, so fragile, but in such a place I would only worry about the most basic of things. I would not have to deal with all this crap that they call a civilization.  Survival is my creed, honor my life, and my love is unfathomable. Though, I press against my cage, I have no wish to be truly free. I just want to be able to have the choice to leave for just a little while.

The dreams of a child are still within me, and that hurts when I look at reality. Then, I wonder if perhaps I could shape reality to more of my liking. No, but that doesn’t stop my heart for believing that maybe… just maybe the world could change. Will someday jealousy, abuse, fear, and all that keeps us from living our lives the way we want- be gone? There are those that choose those emotions over others, but they should not inflict them on the unwilling. There are exceptions to every rule. That is part of what makes things just so confusing.

I dream of so much better… and hope too much. One would think that after all I’d been through my will would be crushed, but something inside me won’t give up. As a very good friend of mine once told me, “Death is the coward’s way out.” I have never been a coward when it counted. There is just so much to think of.

The music died down for a moment and I looked around me. I see everything so different when I think like this. It’s like I’m seeing everything for the first time again. I talk with such an honest attitude that I’ve had people look at me in amazement. Where do I see all that they’ve been looking for? I see it within myself. We make our worlds what we want it to be. We choose each and every emotion, and we choose how to use it. Some of it is instinct, but I believe that we just think so much faster than I think people believe. There is something in us that understands it. If we are able to know things, like when we’ve found a true friend does that mean that there is such a thing as the fates. Are we just fooling ourselves…deceiving ourselves? Do we truly know anything more than we did to begin with, or have we just ended up back where we started? Everything can be debated. If we are able to debate it who is to say who is right and who is wrong. There is not a single person who can. If one person believes they are right, I know ten more who can tell them why they’re wrong. Does it even really matter? Probably not. We just have nothing else to do. We have advanced so much, then why are we just sitting here while there’s still so many things wrong with our world. Why are we letting things get away from us? Are we really in control, or is it an illusion? Will we ever know the answers?

Have you ever had one of those days that it almost seems like your dreaming all of it, but no matter how many times you pinch yourself, you never wake up?  That’s what my day has been like. I’ve laid in bed many mornings and wished for a better life, or at least a more exciting one. I don’t even know who I am. People say that I’m a rascal neighbor boy that works at the stables. They don’t even know that I’m a girl. I guess that’s a good thing. I’m a thief, too, but people don’t know about that. I roll over and look out the window in the stable loft. I see an armored man riding out towards the gates. I wish I could be one of them. Then, I would never be hurt or in danger. Nobody would ever dare attack them.

“Rand! Get down here and take care of this gentleman’s horses!” I groan and roll off my pallet. If only I could be one of them, but it’ll never happen.

“I’m coming, Sir!” I leap from the loft without using the ladder, landing on my hands and feet on the soft ground below.

 “Rand! Don’t do that! You scare me to death when you do that. I worry about you, boy. You’re gonna get hurt doin’ that one day.” He turns to a large man in armor. “The boy will take care of your horse, Sir.”

The man, he was clean-shaven and had kind of rough cut hair. What stood out the most was a scar across his cheek. I bow, figuring that it was the right thing to do. I go to take the reins and the horse steps back. He looks back at the innkeeper that I worked for. “I’ll help him. I’ll be in a little bit later to get my key.” The innkeeper nodded and smiled.

“Of course, Sir.” He gave me a look that I took to meant that I should behave. Like I would misbehave around a type like this. I wouldn’t even try to steal his purse. I would much rather hear his stories of traveling anyway. Luckily, I was young and I didn’t have to disguise my voice. A young boy and a young girl often sound a lot a like, and since I look like a boy, that’s what people assume me to be.

“You don’t need to help me, Sir. I’ve had experience with the most stubborn of horses. You can go on in and rest if you’d like.” I grin impishly.

He gives a half-smile, “Humor me, lad.”

The innkeeper leaves, knowing that I’ll behave if I want my supper.

He large man walks his horse over to a trough and lets him drink while he’s unsaddling him. “Lad, bring me a brush and stuff!” I quickly run and gets what he needs.

He begins cleaning his horse. “Have you been here long, Lad?”

“Not long enough to be attached, especially not to a hayloft, but it’s a roof over my head and food. I can’t complain really.” Since, he’s not letting me do much. I just lay back in some hay and keep him company.

“Ever put thought into doing anything else? Surely you could be an apprentice somewhere.” He delicately continues cleaning his stallion.

“Sure, doesn’t everybody? Anyway, no one wanted me.” I thought back on that a little bitterly. I was too tomboyish to learn quilting, and too girly to learn tanning. I didn’t fit anywhere, and I have to keep my identity as a girl a secret.

“I think I know why. I’ve learned to keep secrets though, and I’ll keep yours. Don’t worry.” He seemed so calm.

I sat up. “What secret?” I tried to sound more curious than demanding, but it didn’t work.

“That you’re a girl. You’re growing up. Someone is bound to notice. You should be at home and safe.” I turn away in disgust. After I’d been turned away for apprenticeships at different places, some guys thought that I should be taught how a girl should properly at. I didn’t know what they were doing, but I knew I wasn’t a child anymore. Yet, I wasn’t even a woman, because my moon cycle hadn’t started yet. I guess I should be grateful because it would be harder for me to hide if it had.

“Home wasn’t safe. That’s why I’m here. That’s why no one is supposed to know.” I feel a hand clamp down on my shoulder.

“Then, no one shall know, Lad, because you’ll be coming with me.” My eyes widen in surprise. “I need someone to take care of my horse and armor, and do other things for me. In exchange, I’ll help you hide your secret until you don’t have to worry.”

“Are you a…a Knight?” I ask. No man could be this nice unless he was a knight. I remember all the stories my mom used to read me about princesses that were rescued by knights in shining armor. Here I am a peasant girl being rescued by one. “Will I learn to protect myself???” I wanted to so much be strong, like him. I wanted the respect.

He nodded. “We’ll need to get you some new clothes, something worthy of a squire. We’ll need equipment to train with. Are you sure that you want to do this?”

I nodded, “More than anything in the world, Sir. More than anything!”

            “You may change your mind when you find out how rough it is, but I’m not going to stop you from trying.” I wanted to run and shout for joy. I was finally going out in the world to find my dream!